happy international women’s day
Why isn’t there a white/Caucasian female? We’re supposed to be celebrating the endless and powerful spectrum of women all over the world.
Nevermind. I made some assumptions about you that I shouldn’t have and saw you got the point anyway from other peeps. Have a good day.
Letting Go and Moving Forward
My phone rang in my ears. I checked to see who was calling. It was my best friend Sara. I reached for the phone to answer, anticipating an interesting conversation, as usual. However, when I answered the phone I was greeted by a melancholic voice on the other end, and found myself quite disappointed, but also very worried.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hey Ada.” Sara replied.
“Are you ok?” I asked.
“No.” She said. “It’s about….you know who….”
My heart stopped. Every time Sara and I talked about Jason it broke my heart. It didn’t matter that I was over him. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t been together in years. All that mattered was that every time Sara spoke his name it sent a pain to my heart and made me want to crawl under bed sheets and forget. I was over talking about him. Old wounds would finally start to heal and then somehow all that progress would come undone and I would have to start the healing process all over again.
“What about him?” I said. My voice was bitter.
There was a moment of silence on Sara’s end, and I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what I should say. Instead I just waited for her to find the courage to say whatever it was on her mind.
“Last weekend we kissed.” She said. She paused; waiting for a response, but instead I just let that new information settle into my mind. It was unfortunate to hear this news since it was the same weekend that I had talked to Jason about us. “He was telling me how sorry he was about how we ended. He was so sincere, and he told me he didn’t want anything from me, he just wanted me to know that if things were different we would be together right now.”
I knew Jason better than Sara did. I grew up with him since middle school, and became his girlfriend my first year in high school; I had plenty of time to learn the little things about him that other girls overlooked. I knew too well the games he played on other girls. Sara and I didn’t know each other when either of us dated Jason, so neither one of us held that against each other, but Sara always felt too comfortable telling me about her relationship with Jason, past, present, and future. She talked to me about Jason as if he wasn’t mine’s first, as if Jason and I weren’t each other’s first love, but I never let on that it bothered me, and maybe that’s because curiosity got that better of me.
I didn’t bother to respond too much of what Sara was saying to me. Instead I allowed myself to take in all this new information and process it. While absorbing what Sara was telling me I couldn’t help but regress back to last weekend.
Before Sara had even made it over to Jason’s house, I was already there. I had gotten there early because Jason’s sisters begged for me to come over as soon as possible. Once I had gotten there though Jason pulled me aside to have a conversation. We were in his room, hidden away from the rest of the house. I felt both the cringe worthy feeling of regret and the heartwarming rush of nostalgia, being in his room. Sadly enough not much had changed, he still had action figures and collectible cards, a bed that was never made up, and a floor that collected the hair from his cats and the juices from spilled cups.
He stood close to me, and I could feel myself regressing back to the vulnerable girl he had once made me out to be. I felt the chill rush down my spine, and my palms began to sweat. Mentally I was stronger than the way I felt when I was around him, but physically he always knew how to make me tick. I wasn’t like other the girls he played games with, words never really made an impression on me. But him standing so close to me, my back against the closed door, I wondered why I even let myself get in this predicament.
He stared deeply into my eyes until I looked away, trying to focus on the dresser within arm’s reach of me. “Ada, you’ll always be my first love,” Jason said to me. He placed his hand on my chin, gently, and turned my face so that it was facing his. I was hesitant to look at him, but when I did, he said “I still love you.” I knew in the back of my mind that this was all probably just his way of manipulating me, but my beating heart couldn’t care less about the logic.
He went on a whole tangent about all the good times we had, and about how hurt he was when we broke up. Somewhere in that conversation I began to think it was all genuine. The only thing was it didn’t mean I wanted him to swoop me up in his arms and kiss me. It just meant that I wanted to believe that maybe someday he would change, grow up and understand what it means to be in a healthy relationship, and then maybe, maybe we could give it another chance.
I hesitated because I didn’t want to get hurt. It shouldn’t surprise me this much that in the same breath of telling me he wants to change in order to get me back, that he would go and use those lips to betray that sweet old nothing he told me.
When I finally tuned back into the conversation with Sara, I heard her rambling about Jason being a good guy in a bad situation. “I don’t think he meant it.” She said.
“Meant what?” I asked.
“What he said to me today.” Sara said.
“……what did he say to you…..sorry?” I said.
He told me he didn’t love me, and that I needed to get over him….you weren’t listening.” She said.
“I’m sorry…I just…I was processing everything, and I got lost in thought.” I said.
I wanted to fill in the silence, but I just waited it out. Maybe she would call me back later and I could just ignore her call and forget this conversation ever happened.
“I know he loves me.” She said.
I wondered to myself for a moment if I should tell her the truth. I wondered what would happen if I just let all the things I was thinking go. If I told her what he told me, and what he’s been telling me for the longest, what would she say, or do? Would she hate me, or would she finally move on? Would I be helping or just making things worse? I didn’t know if taking that risk was worth it, so instead I said, “He manipulates people Sara, that’s what he’s best at. I don’t think he knows what love is. But I think you should do what you think is right. I just don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to talk about him anymore, ok.”
We ended our conversation. Surely she went off and started to mope about it to other friends, but I decided enough was enough. I wanted closure from the chaos that is Jason. I had to realize that he doesn’t love me and he never did. I came to terms with the inevitable truth, our relationship was a lie. This truth however wasn’t so bad to deal with. This truth ripped my heart out, but with it went the last bits and pieces of love I had still lingering for Jason. I may be bitter and empty now, but I can build a brand new heart, one that won’t have a place for him. A heart that I can learn to love with again. And with that heart I’ll love someone who won’t be so careless with my love.
We are the universe pretending to be individuals.
I needed this(via constantlynoble)
Take a shower,
Wash away the bad thoughts,
Cleanse your body,
Put on some relaxing music,
Get in to bed,
What is success? It is being able to go to bed each night with your soul at peace.
Avec plaisir (I don’t actually speak French, but I tried, lol)
My teacher talking about grades: some of you may be in danger of the D.
Is that mannequin single?
Ha, I just bought that very first one in white last week. Still waiting for it.
Whats the website?!!